Cigars Cards and Mile Markers

Thursday, May 5, 2011

cinco de hum bug

to get straight to the point.........i hate this week......and have for the last 6 years.  i wish i could go to sleep on april 30 at 11:59pm and wake up the day after mother's day at 12:01am, but clearly i can't.  to explain, for the unknowing out there, the first portion of may contains my mom's birthday, the day she died, my birthday AND mother's that order and they are usually all within 5-7 days of each other.   this year it's all within 4 days with my birthday falling on mother's day.........and it blows.   i keep thinking with every year that passes it will get easier, but it hasn't.  time heals all wounds right?  i must have a longer time frame than most.  

i've tried facing my emotions that are connected to this time of year (i really have and i have more than a year of counseling to prove it) and i've tried completely and utterly ignoring them too.   some years i've spent going out every night and some years i've pretty much stayed in every night.  last year on my birthday i drove up to Louisville, KY and back and then sat at the house in east nashville playing cards all night (which reminds me that i played a tourney on 5/5 last year, mum's birthday, in nashville and i busted out in last place within like 30 minutes........even I knew i shouldn't have been there. i remember the hand i busted out on like it was yesterday).  one year i even tried going to london (not that i don't love going there ANY time of year though) so that i would be surrounded by ALL things different................none of it's worked.  zero.  zilch.   in the end most things i've tried and thought to do to make this time of year pass by easier just haven't worked.  hell, christmas time is easier for me than the first half of may. 

i miss my mum terribly.  it's as simple as that.  sometimes i'm left almost mentally paralyzed when i think back to 5/7/05 and how it was an incredibly long and exhausting day.   i still don't know how i managed to play a show that night, but i the last few years i have questioned if playing that show was the right thing to do or not.  i remember sitting at the bar at woody's before soundcheck when my good friend allan (bassist for the evening) came in and casually asked me something along the lines of "so how's your day been?".  i remember telling him flat out my mum died in a car wreck that day.   he didn't know what to say, and most don't.  i didn't expect anyone that day or evening, or for the next few months for that matter, to say anything that would comfort me.  i pushed some people away from me during a time when i needed someone......and i regret that to this day.   there's really nothing anyone can say in that situation that is going to lessen the pain.  it still to this day hurts like it was yesterday.   i've certainly learned, the last few years, that i do not deal well with death.   if i wasn't sure about that before i for sure realized it when my close friend larry died in late '08.  

one thing i read this week that really made me think about this time of year, amongst other things in my life, is this:  "getting better doesn't always mean going back to what you once were".   of course, non of us can be what we once were.  life experiences guarantee that 100%.  Lord knows i'm not the same person after 5/7/05.   for now i'll just keep trying to move forward though, but for now there's a few London Porters calling my name.    3 more days............................

MAY 12TH, 1972
(me at 4 days old with my mum)


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